Providing support to a loved one who has been raped or sexually assaulted can feel very challenging. A full spectrum of feelings may occur in this situation, including outrage, sadness, fear, frustration, and confusion. A particularly difficult aspect of this experience can be a feeling of powerlessness: feeling that we were unable to protect our loved one from the assault, and now we don’t know what, if anything, we can do to help her. We may have a very clear idea in our heads about what she needs right now, and what she should do; when she responds differently from our expectations we may feel frustrated and confused.
Secondary wounding is a term that we use to refer to trauma that occurs after the sexual assault, as a result of unsupportive responses from support providers or family and friends. A positive, supportive response from a person the survivor discloses to can reinforce the idea that though the assault occurred, there are people who care about her and support available to her. A negative, judgmental response will give her the opposite message: that not only has she been sexually assaulted, no support is available to her in response to her experience. This can greatly affect her ability to see the world as a safe and just place. It is for this reason that it is so important to remember a few key things when dealing with this issue with our loved ones.
Many supporters of survivors of rape and sexual assault report feeling frustrated that they don’t know what to say. The following are some guidelines for effectively providing support to a woman in your life who has been sexually assaulted.
1. Believe her, without condition. We all have ideas about what a ‘typical’ sexual assault looks like; we receive these ideas from the culture that we live in. Her experience may look very different from what you would have expected: do not question her experience, and do not minimize it in any way. Avoid trying to make her feel better by naming situations which you feel would have been ‘worse’. Acknowledge that you understand that something serious and traumatic has happened to her, and allow her to define her own experience.
2. Speak to her without blame or judgment. Do not analyze her experience in the hopes of discovering what she could have done differently to avoid it, as this will make her feel as though she is to blame for the assault. Do not judge any part of her experience. Nothing that she has done caused the assault, regardless of where she was, who she was with and what she was doing before the assault occurred. The assault occurred because someone made the conscious and calculated decision to victimize her.
3. Do not judge her response to the assault. Whether the assault happened last week or several years ago, she will be coping with it in whatever way feels manageable to her. This response may seem more or less intense than you feel is appropriate, and may be very different from how you feel she ‘should’ be responding. Let her know that whatever feelings or response she is experiencing are ok with you. If she is choosing not to focus on or speak about the assault, that is her choice and should be respected. The healing process moves at a different pace for everyone: there is no ‘right’ or ‘normal’ way to respond to a sexual assault, and no ‘appropriate’ time frame after which a woman should have ‘gotten over it’ or ‘moved on’. The healing process for many women tends not to be linear, and women may go through stages of feeling better and then feeling worse, depending on various factors including what is occurring in her life at the moment. Encourage her to be patient with herself, and to trust in her ability to heal at her own pace. Make her aware of any supports, formal and informal, that are available to her.
4. Allow her to make her own decisions about what happens now. Sexual assault is a crime that takes all power and control away from the person who experiences it. It is essential for women to feel that they have some control over what happens to them next. You may have strong feelings about what actions she should take: you may feel that she should report the assault to the police, go for counseling immediately, or confront or expose the perpetrator. Try to remember that you have no control over any of the consequences of these actions, should you pressure her into any of them. She is not responsible for any actions taken by the perpetrator in the future. Counseling can be very helpful for women when they feel ready, but it is never helpful to force someone into something they are not comfortable doing. Your goal should be to have her feel supported in whatever decisions she makes. Whatever action she feels the most comfortable with right now, is the one you should support her on. Again, it is important to let her move at her own pace. If she isn’t ready to take any kind of action, that is her choice.
5. Take care of yourself. Allow yourself to have feelings about what has happened to your loved one, and seek support if you need it. Witnessing trauma can shake our belief system about the world being a safe and just place. Hearing the details about someone we care about being violated and harmed can feel very painful. We may feel angry, frustrated, sad, or anxious. We may worry about other people finding out about the assault and being judged for that. These feelings make sense and it is important to be aware of and to acknowledge them.
