Sex means different things to men and women.
Women generally think of sex in terms of romance and love. Women may want to be affectionate without wanting to have sex. Men generally see sex as a natural end to fooling around with someone. If either party doesn’t understand this, there is room for miscommunication leading to date or acquaintance rape. Myths….
Many men and women believe in the myths that are taught to us as we grow up. People sometimes feel that clothes, attitude, miscommunication, and other factors may be reasons to believe that someone is willing to have sex.

• Some of these myths are exposed in the sexual violence quiz found in the Activity Section of the binder.

A sense of immunity to date rape.
Women are taught that it is strangers who rape them, not the men they know. Many women are raised to expect men to protect and care for them. They don’t believe that these people would do anything to harm them.
Women are usually taught to protect themselves from strangers, especially when they are walking alone on dark streets, and secluded places. They are not taught to protect themselves in their homes with people they know and trust, even though this is how most rapes happen.

Women and men have been raised differently.
Women are socialized to be more passive and dependent than men. They are expected to be nurturing and caring. They are reprimanded for expressing their feelings forcefully or hurting the feelings of others. Men are taught, and expected, to do just this. The extent to which a man is considered “manly” or “macho” is determined by how many sports he plays, how many fights he gets into, and how many women he can sleep with. Men are encouraged to have strong sexual feelings and experiment sexually, as opposed to women who are not encouraged to explore their sexuality. This is why men are most likely to be the aggressors. Lack of communication.
Women and men are not encouraged to talk openly about their sexuality with each other. As a result, consent may be assumed by either person without verbally discussing it. They look for physical cues, and act on them. Unfortunately, these can very easily be misinterpreted. People may see the way a woman dresses, the fact that she was drunk or high, or even that they were into kissing and stuff, as a go- ahead for sex. Women may not see it this way at all. Little or no consequences.
Some people are so set in their beliefs that they don’t realize they are committing a crime. Others convince themselves that they have just had ‘rough sex’ or convinced their partner “a little.” A man who is aware he applied pressure or force usually counts on the fact that his partner will not make trouble, that she will share the blame, or feel that she asked for it. This is especially true when the partner is doing something that she isn’t supposed to be doing like drinking, doing drugs, being at a party, etc.
Some people knowingly commit date rape.
As with all rapes, date rape is sometimes an expression of anger against women. Some people are also excited by forced or violent sexual activity. Forcing sex may make them feel strong, powerful and in control. Others just think that it is their right to expect sex from a date.
Self-Blame.
Some people may give in to sexual pressure or blame themselves for the sexual assault especially if they were flirting, drinking, doing drugs, etc. People are less likely to report dating sexual assault because they figure that others will blame them as well.
(adapted from “Lindsay’s Story” by the Mississauga Hospital Sexual Assault Team)

A Guy’s Responsibilities

• Even when you are drunk or high know that you are still responsible for your actions. It can be hard to take responsibility for your actions if you can’t remember them, so use drugs and alcohol responsibly. Don’t initiate sex while you or the other person is drunk or stoned because neither of you have the ability to consent.
• Communicate with your partner. Don’t assume that because he or she is showing some affection that he or she wants to have sex.
• Don’t take it personally if your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you. He or she is not saying that he or she doesn’t like you or want to be with you, he or she is saying that they don’t want to have sex with you.
• Someone who isn’t responding doesn’t mean “yes”. Don’t assume that just because your date doesn’t say or do anything that it is O.K. to proceed. Some people may be too embarrassed or afraid to say anything. If someone is passed out or mentally unable to consent to having sex, you are sexually assaulting him or her, regardless of whether he or she says “no” or not.
• Sex is not something that is ever owed. Simply because you bought your date dinner, doesn’t mean that he or she owes you sex.
• If you think that your date’s clothes and body are saying one thing and her voice is saying another, ask for clarification. Sex is much better when it is mutual.
• No always means NO! No doesn’t sometimes mean “yes”, or “convince me”, it always means no. If you hear no, then stop. Don’t argue or try to convince your date.
• Violence isn’t the only way to force people to have sex. You are guilty of sexual assault if you pressure or coerce someone into having sex. Some people feel obligated to say ‘yes’ to sex or may not feel comfortable saying no because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings or be embarrassed. Ensure that you are both having sex because you both want to. It is O.K. to say no.
• A ‘yes’ one time doesn’t mean ‘yes’ every time. Just because your date has had sex with you before doesn’t mean that he or she always wants to have sex. Even in marriage people can be guilty of raping their partners.
• In a healthy relationship both partners make decisions about birth control and safer sex. There should be discussions regarding birth control and safer sex. Both people are involved in the sexual act, so both people should share in all aspects of it.
• Slipping a drug in someone’s drink is wrong. There is no way to justify this behaviour, when someone is drugged, there can be serious consequences; sometimes it even results in death. If you drug someone with, for example, the date rape drug, and you think that it will “loosen them up” so that they will have sex with you, this is not acceptable.

A Woman’s Responsibilities

• Know your desires and limits. Think about this before you get in the situation; your mind will be clearer then.
• Don’t assume that your date is psychic and knows what you want. Unless you tell your date there is no way for him or her to know what you want. Don’t assume that he or she will eventually get the message.
• Listen to your gut feelings. If you feel uncomfortable, you should get out of the situation. Don’t think that you are over-reacting, you know what is best for you. Don’t worry about hurting his or her feelings or looking stupid.
• Don’t be afraid to make a scene. If you are being pressured into doing something that you don’t want to do, don’t hesitate to say how you feel and get out of the situation. An awkward social situation is more easily resolved than the trauma of a sexual assault.
• Know where your friends are at all times. If you are at a large party with a lot of people you don’t know, stick close to your friends. Always have money for a cab or a bus in case your drive home doesn’t work out.
• Don’t assume that you and your date have to have sex. Even if you have had sex with your date before, or if you have had sex with other people, you have every right to say no.
• In a healthy relationship both partners are responsible for birth control and safer sex. There should be discussions regarding birth control and safer sex. Both people are involved in the sexual act, so both people should share in all aspects of it.
• You owe it to yourself to be aware of situations that can be harmful. You should educate yourself on things like the date rape drug. You may not be able to prevent it from happening, but you may be better able to handle it if you or someone you know experiences it.